Crying men

What makes me cry:

Men crying. I always cry.
Being homesick.
Being so angry that I can't stand it.
Feeling hate.
Realizing disappointment in people.

What Makes me angry:
People having to JUSTIFY who they vote for.
Friends fighting over politics (note the distinction here fighting not debating debating is fine fighting is disappointing).
People judging others.

What makes me happy:
redemption
hope
accepting the ability to change .

I'm not ususally a person who can say what makes me happy or sad or what not (I sometimes laugh at inopportune moments...like when ppl cry). I"m emotional. I honestly HATE the fact I'm emotional. I see it as being a personality flaw. Quite honestly I see it as one of my biggest personality flaws, but this I can say with certainty: When men cry, really cry, I can't help but cry as well.

Gardens

Today, I had the lovely experience of visiting Al Azhar Park. It is an oasis of beauty, vegetation and fountains in the large overwhelming city of Cairo. It's located near the citadel and the Saleh Salem road. One can see the pyramids of Giza the hills of Mokattam the beauties of the city along with the ugliness of its poverty all from the Garden that over looks Cairo. The normal sounds of the city seem nonexistant in the quiet lush garden. It's an area of peace, solitude, and beauty all laid out for us by a great amount of extravagant spending (it cost 30 million to build). It's hard to critique this amount of money spent on a garden though. It is relatively cheap to enter, and it's open to all sectors of the population. It's beautiful. I felt as though I had been on a vacation just from spending a few hours in this lovely place. My flatmates and I, I must admit, were immediately confessing how we would love to go on a date to this location. (Why the female mind always goes to dating, I don't know). I have officially decided that the most amazing date in the world would be going to the garden for the afternoon, and then eating dinner there. *sigh*

In the mean time, the many different facets and nuances of Egyptian life are becoming more apparent to me. It's amazing that there are such many differences within the culture. The other night I was at a party with alcohol, dancing etc. When that very day, I had been in a Christian Egyptian house where the idea of meeting a man in public is considered questionable. There are many differing views and complex relations connecting them all here. I have to begin to define my own view and my own belief and approach to these situations, so I have to define my self within this culture.

In the mean time, I've been dreaming a lot. One of my dreams made it very apparent that I have to choose. I have reached that defining point in my faith, where my distractions are growing dangerous, and I have to decide to choose truth over worldly and emotional idols. I have to choose to engage with God more and to allow Him to have a greater influence over my life. This is frightening to me. He can use people to do great things. I don't know if I am ready to do great things, or if I can even do them. I am okay with living in the background, but I know it's time to step out into the light. It's time for my difference to be visible to the world .

I have to allow my faith to become a garden as well. I need to be a garden of faith within this world the same way that Al Azhar is a garden in Cairo. My faith should be affecting to all people who see it. In the same way that Al Azhar's beauty leaves one stunned and speechless, God's love should be able to do the same to people through me.

Growth pains are hard, difficult, and frightening. I hope that I can weather them well. I know that through Him all things are possible, but I hope that the growth is not as painful as I am expecting it to be. I look forward to the end results.

the following are lyrics to one of my favorite songs:
God has smiled on me. He's been good to me. God has smiled on me. He has set me free. God has smiled on me. He's been good to me.

Rock Slide in Cairo

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/7601926.stm

There are no words to describe the unfathomable damage that this rockslide has done. I have been to Mukattam hills. It is a very very poor area. There are no words. If you would like to see the efficiency of the government, you need not look far. This disater speaks truths that are merely wispered here.

Update

My time here has been lazy and busy all at the same time. My flatmates lived with a poor Egyptian family in Massara for the first month they were here. Massara is a very poor community that is in the outskirts of Cairo. This family is, as we say, fresh from Upper Egypt. Upper Egypt is actually the southern part of the country. It is an area with very poor, religious, superstitious people (yes I am generalizing but it's a good one). the family does not understand women speaking with men outside the house etc etc. I was introduced to this family and quickly fell love with this family. They adopted me as one of their daughters. As they say Mamti wi babti fi Masr wi mamti wi babti fi amrika! aka They are my mom and dad in Egypt and I have a mom and dad in America! They truly do treat me with the same love and acceptance that they treat their daughters, as they do my other flatmates. They get excited to see us (even more excited than "real" family at times). They love doing girlie things, yet they have strength that I have not seen other women portray before. The father of the family Abu Hany is completely amazing. He is a man of honor and respect which will become apparent as one learns more about the family. Abu Hany is a man without a lot of money he makes about 400-500 egyptian pounds a week which is no more than 100 US dollars. On top of this stress, the family is protestant Christian. Christians in Egypt make up 15% of the population, but Protestants are few and far between. Most Christians here are Copts, and the relationship between the religions is not good (despite many peoples refusal of the problems btwn the groups). Through my ups and downs in Cairo they have been my support. My constant, and have helped me adjust. I have learned more Arabic in my few times spent at their house than in the past two years!!!!!

In the meantime, Ramadan started this week. This is a time of fasting from sun up to sun down for Muslims...they fast from food water everything...during this time. Then they have a big feast when the sun sets. The schedule here is totally changed and revolves around Ramadan. Children set off fireworks in the street to celebrate iftar (the breaking of the fast). It is believed that this is a time when the gates of hell are closed and the gates of heaven are continually open. Thus, people are on their best behavior (they have no excuse if they screw up). Women dress more conservatively. Men tend to not harass women during this time. It is an interesting time for anyone to be in the Middle East. It is a time when one can see the beauties of Islam, while also seeing it's hypocrisies (which exist in EVERY religion I might add). (Also mom...we "fell back" already..we change our clocks before y'all because of Ramadan...so right now we are 7 hours ahead of you).

During this time, men go around in some neighborhoods banging pots waking people up at 4 in the morning so people can eat b4 the sun comes up....the problem is this loud sound wakes up ALL people Muslim and christian alike.

I also had the first meeting for school. I am going to be taking four classes this semester (12 hrs). My adviser is very happy with this b/c it means if I take 4 classes next semester I could graduate in 18 months as opposed to 2 years!!! Pretty Great eh? My classes include Introduction to Migration and Refugee Studies, International Refugee law, Migration and Refugee Movements in North Africa and the Middle East, and Palestinian Refugee Issues. I am very excited about all of these classes, but also very nervous. I had a meeting with my Introduction to Migration and Refugee Studies class. Everyone was very interesting, and I'm excited to get to know them better. The professor gave us the syllabus (which was intimidating to say the least). She also showed us the reader...we have a different reader each week. These readers are each larger than a reader for one semester of one of my undergraduate courses (so the amount I would read in one semester I am now reading one week per class ek!!!! freaking out a bit yes) This means mom and dad...I won't be looking for a job..but it also means I'll be done with school sooner!!! yay!!!!!! The professor is great, and really interesting. She's Muslim, educated, devoted research specialtist on Somali refugees and the affects of refugee life on gender identifications. I'm excited to be in her class. I'm nervous about other classes b/c I'm going into it blind. This class I know what I need to have prepared for the first class. The others, I have no idea what I"m getting myself into...In fact, I'm considering sending an email to the professors asking if I need to have anything prepared for the first class. We are starting during ramadan...which means all of our classes meet at a different time...and sometimes a different place...frustrating...YES!!!!! Very much so. I will be able to write more about school next weekend. I start school on Sunday (here the "holy" day is Friday...the weekend is friday and saturday).

Ramadan Kareem

Ramadan Kareem Everyone!!!!!!!! I am currently sitting in my flat listening to the friends theme song while the call to pray is resonating throughout my neighborhood...quite contrasting sounds yes. I think their contrast represents in some ways the contrast of an American living in Egypt. Anyways. 85% of the population here is fasting from food, water, smoking, even spitting from sun up to sun down. It is believed to be a time when the gates of hell are shut and the gates of heaven are open. Everyone is therefore on their best behavior...which means men don't harass women AS MUCH in the streets, and women dress more modestly. Evenings are of course a party, because that's when the family and friends gather to eat...eat meals that they normally can't afford to eat, but during Ramadan, they manage to find the money to splurge. In contrast, I am about to visit my Egyptian surrogate family who are Christian. They hate Ramadan, because the food is more expensive. The family that has taken me in as another daughter, is the host family and surrogate family to my other three roommates as well. Their love moves me to tears at times. This family lives off of 100 US dollars a month, yet spiritually I believe they are the richest family I know. I hope I can someday be half the woman that my surrogate mother and sisters are. I will write more soon. I miss all of you who are in America...and I think of you often. You are the reason for me updating my blog. I know I should do it more often...

International Organizations.........and Disenchantment

When I returned to the Middle East, I thought I would be able to use my power of living in a democratic state to affect the way the United States viewed the Middle East. I thought that International Organizations such as the United Nations and other IOs could be used to improve the situation in Gaza, but now I am recognizing what my professor said in my International Law class when he said that Intergovernmental organizations are unrealistic. They are all talk with no power. In the past there have been a few times in which they were able to exert power to influence their own outcomes. However, this is only under certain circumstances. This only happened when the hegemon decided to support these actions.

These are strange times that we live in. It is a time when globalization has thrust politics all around the world into the political realm of almost every person, yet people in America are currently not political. Protests and politcial movements are things that our generation thinks nothing of. Instead we "leave the politics up to those who can make a difference." Little do we realize, we are those people. At a time when everything is political, it seems no one is political. This is changing somewhat with the students becoming apart of the Obama campaign, but it is still there.

All of this is to say, that I have become disenchanted with the idealist and liberal policy and at times rhetoric. I am sad to confess I do not see International Organizations improving this world (especially when inter-national corporations have more power than international organizations and at times the state). What is to be done then? How do we change the situation in Gaza, Darfu, Brundi, Chad, Kashmir, Chechnya etc.? I don't know. I guess the only way we can change the situation is by changing the thoughts of those problems one person at a time. And (this sounds so naive and completely like Christian rhetoric, but it's true) through prayer.

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

I have the joy of working with refugees. I really love it. I love them, but it's probably one of the most emotional jobs that I have. I only work fifteen hours a week teaching them English, and I cannot handle the stress of the job with my school work. I can't believe I just admitted that on the internet but there it is. I can't handle a full load in school with an emotional job and a failing social life.

Last night, I had the ability to take the refugees to ACU's sing song. It's a student production that dominates campus life once a year. youtube it. You'll be amused if you've never seen it before. It actually is quite impressive. My favorite thing about it was watching the refugees faces. Seeing their reactions. Hearing them laugh. Seeing their excitement. I loved it. It was great. I also got to practice my french a little bit...which is in vast need of improvement. Anyways, it was wonderful. They really came alive.

Unfortunately, the performance ended with Bon Jovi's Who says you can't go home. I looked around, and I noticed that their laughing and smiles had faded. I think I even saw tears in one of the young woman's eyes. I realized everyone says they can't go home. They are refugees and that reality began to sink in. They quickly bounced back, but that scene still haunts me. I can't get passed it.